Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
