forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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