You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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