I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
