is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
