There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
