I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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