Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
