So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
