i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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