I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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