theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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