Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
