I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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