He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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