Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
