Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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