the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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