God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
