You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
