Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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