hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.