I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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