Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
