She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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