I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I woke up under a house in Key West
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