Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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