I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!