I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?