omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him