remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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