took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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