That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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