there's paper in my vomit.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
