omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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