I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
