Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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