I'm going to jail i love you
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
