1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
