I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
