he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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