im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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