cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Can I color on your dick again?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
