My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my shit smells like andre
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
