Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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