I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
