I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
