Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
