franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize