nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
