I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
