I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
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drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
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Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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