and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I booty called her while she was in labor.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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