i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Drunk is a universal language darling
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