I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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