i permit you to call me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
