oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
